Who is in charge of deciding what is ‘in fashion’?

Because I would like to speak with them.  I have some serious beef.  For years whoever it is that decides what it is that women wear on a regular basis was doing a great job.  The mini skirt, daisy-dukes, even the spring dress was hot.  But now a disturbing trend has come about, and I want to file a complaint with whoever is in charge.

I knew I should have filed a formal complaint when those stupid ass Capri pants were in style, but I thought that they were so ugly, and so un-hot, that there is no way that the trend could last, and there is no possible way that the American public would allow a spin-off demon spawn to take its place.  Apparently I have too high a regard for the American public, because this year, girls are wearing Bermuda shorts… 

Take a minute to look at the picture above, and let any blood that may have been engorging your penis to retreat back into your body, never to return again.  Seriously, what the fuck happened?  How do we go from this…

The Mini Skirt

to this…

The Short Short with ass caption

to this…

 

Yuck

so damn quickly??  I wish Marty McFly would have crashed his time traveling Delorean into my barn about 10 years ago and warned me that the women of the future would be wearing this bullshit.  At least then I could have picked up a crystal meth addiction and either be dead by now or be so crazy and toothless that ugly women’s shorts would be the least of my worries. 

I conclude this post with a kind request of the fashion powers that be.  PLEASE STOP THIS MADNESS!  Either make them pants or make them shorts.  I can’t stand it any longer.  There are hot girls out there who I need to eye hump, and all I can concentrate on are these bullshit pantshorts… so I beg you, bring back the short shorts!!

Now THAT'S more like it

Dance Moves For Every Occasion Vol.2

It’s that time again… Time to broaden your rock and roll horizons. Hopefully in the few weeks since I posted Vol.1, you have practiced and perfected the dance moves that I originally listed, and are thirsty for more. This post comes just in time for The Medium’s show at The Cherrywood Rock Club in Clementon, NJ tomorrow night. If you want to see these moves in action, this would be a great place to check them out, as I will be there, and will surely be pleasing the rock gods with my wicked dance moves. Also attending will be my friends, who must be awesome because they are MY friends, and probably some topless ladies. Enough chit chat, lets get down to business.

1) Picking Up Change or The Floorpunch

This is an advanced maneuver, taken from the ‘hardcore’ and ‘punk’ scene, but translates well into pretty much any genre, except whatever genre Coldplay is in, because they are gay as fuck. There are several variations of this move, but in its simplest form, the dancer basically pretends that an assload of quarters has just been dropped on the ground in front of him, and the dancer must hurry and pick up all the change before the Jews get to it (are you Jewish? then I am just kidding!!!)

Textbook... note the camo shorts... this helps the dancer sneak up on the floor

2) The Double Ax Handle

This is a move reserved mainly for larger, less nimble dancers who may not be able to effectively ‘pick up change’ or ‘HLK’, but would still like to announce to everyone in attendance that they approve of what is going on up on stage. To execute this move, simply imagine that you are wielding an ax with both hands, but instead of chopping down a tree, you are wacking the heads off of 14 year old Emo kids.

Creepy baby with unusual amount of hair, seemingly getting ready to unleash the double ax handle fury

 

3) The Running Man

Fact: White people LOVE to do the running man. Ever since MC Hammer blessed us with, ‘You Can’t Touch This’, and Vanilla Ice brought ‘Ice Ice Baby’ to the table, people have been doing their version of the running man. Most of them are terrible and would actually offend the band/rock gods. But when done correctly, the running man can be an effective move. The man that perfected the running man was Ben ‘The Bosstone’ from The Mighty Mighty Bosstones. He only had one job while the band was performing, and that was to dress up in a suit and do the running man throughout the entire show. Study his form, he is good.

Ben 'The Bosstone': Running Man legend

Well there you have it.  3 more dance moves to help you rock your fucking socks off.  Use them wisely.

HAHA…Guido’s…HAHA

Fuck You, Streptococcal pharyngitis…

I appologize for my lack of posting, but I have been too busy trying not to fucking die.  What the fuck did I do to deserve this bullshit??  (don’t answer that)  I’m felling a bit better now, but damnit, I had forgotten what it felt like to be actually sick with something other than a cold. 

Dance Moves for Every Occasion… Vol. 1

Going to see live music is a favorite activity of many people, and if you want to impress the gods of rock, you are going to need some sick dance moves.  It occurred to me while attending a Sunday night show, starring my friends, The Medium, in Philadelphia, that in order to show your appreciation to the band, impress the ladies, and appease the rock gods, it is imperative that you demonstrate some wicked moves.  Below you will find some of my favorites.  Study them and practice in your living room.  Your roommate/spouse/pet may look at you funny now, but you will have the last laugh when you are rocking out harder than anyone the next time you are at a live performance.* 

1.  The Fist Pump

This is the the simplest of all the dance moves, and really is the building block of all other dance moves.  The fist pump is the gateway drug of the dance move community.  Most people will start with this, and later graduate up to something more advanced, like the ‘HLK’ or Cocaine. 

 

Asians love The Medium!!

2.  The ‘HLK’

The HLK, or High Leg Kick, should only be performed after adequate stretching.  Torn hamstrings are such a buzzkill, plus the band gets pissed if they have to stop playing while the medics come in to drag you off on a stretcher.  Test your HLK ability by having a friend place their hand out at varying heights, depending on skill level, and try to kick their hand.  This is acceptable behavior before and during the show. 

Computer generated demonstration of a perfect HLK. Note the green area, hamstrings turn green when they are well stretched. And where is this guys junk?

 

3.  The ‘OHC’

The ‘OHC’ or Over Head Clap, is a classic move, performed by people young and old.  It shows that you aren’t satisfied showing your enthusiasm by just clapping your hands together in front of you.   No, that just won’t do.  Raise your hands in the air and clap them together, that way everyone will know how enthusiastic you are about the bands current song selection!  While performing the OHC, you may notice that others have started to clap their hands above their head as well.  Do not be alarmed.  This is normal behavior, as the OHC is extremely contagious, like ‘The Wave’ at the ballpark, or “The Clap” in Lindsay Lohan’s pants.

OK, OK... so this isn't an illustration of how the OHC is performed. WHO CARES!?!?! Jessica Alba is so fucking hot!

There are some moves to get you started.  More intricate and advanced moves coming up in volume 2!

*These moves have been thoroughly tested at rock and roll shows.  Attempting these moves at your nieces dance recital or at your 5 year old sons Christmas chorus concert should be done at your own risk.

Stuff Indian People Like…

Why do Indian people (dots, not feathers) insist on wearing collared shirts while working out at the gym?  This bothers me to no end.  If you have been to a gym that has any sort of Indian-American clientele, you no doubt have noticed that some of them will wear collared, ‘Polo-style’ shirts to work out in.  Why???  The rest of the world can wear tee shirts (unless you are jacked, elderly, or from New Jersey, in which case you probably wear a tank top), why can’t you?  Did you leave your house in such a hurry that you could grab high school gym teacher shorts, crew socks, and sneakers, but couldn’t reach into one more drawer to get a damn tee shirt?  Are you showing your commitment to your day job by wearing the same thing that you wore to your job as an IT consultant to the gym?  No… No this can’t be it, because I have also noticed that there is NEVER an undershirt worn beneath said polo shirt.  I know that they don’t go to work in a polo shirt with no undershirt on, so they have to go through the effort of taking off the work shirt, taking off the undershirt, then putting the work shirt BACK on… Ridiculous!!  Are you preparing in case the stranger that you ask to spot you is so impressed by the amount of times you can bench press 135 lbs that he will invite you to his country club for a round of golf after your work out?  But what if there is no time to get changed after your vigorous weight lifting session before the limo picks you up to take you to the golf course?  Perfect!  You are already wearing your golf shirt!!  Who’s laughing now!?!?

I mean, don’t take this the wrong way, I have some great friends who are Indians (dots AND feathers), and I love them, but they would not wear a damn collared shirt to the gym, or rest assured we would never have become friends in the first place.  I would have slapped them in the back of the head and told them to never speak to me again until they purchased and put on a fucking cotton tee shirt.

“Are you guys ready to get huge, or what?”

I’m getting more and more excited…

about football season as the summer progresses.  The more I read and the more that i think about it, Penn State could be one ‘debilitating kitchen accident for Jay Paterno’ away from a Big 10 Championship, or better.  All I’m saying is, if Jay Paterno’s nanny would happen to ‘accidently’ leave something shiney at the bottom of the garbage disposal, we could be one flip of the on-switch away from having a competent coach replace Jay and assist in offensive play calling and quarterback development. 

“Oh, hey sorry Jay, we were going to get you a national championship ring too, honest, but really, we just didn’t want to hurt your feelings”

 JUST IMAGINE IT!!!  Penn State with competent offensive play calling and the ability to correctly develop a quarterback prospect??  I know, I know… I HAVE been on a Twilight Zone kick lately, (I DVR’d 40 episodes of a marathon last weekend), but really, this could happen.  With his fingers missing he would be unable to grip the Nintendo controller to flip through his secret playbook that he has borrowed from John Elways Quarterback Football, and he would be demoted back to his original position, making sure the practice field doesn’t have any big stones or broken bottles in it.  Although even that he would only be half as good at as he used to be, considering he only would have fingers on one hand to pick up stones with.

                 “JayPa’s Secret Playbook”

Penn State’s depth is the main reason that my optimism has returned.  It appears as if most of our young recruits are developing nicely, and in some positions (DL,DE,OL,TE), we have players that are ready to play now 2 or even 3 spots deep on the depth chart.  At other positions, however, (WR), we are not nearly as deep.  We are graduating our Top 3 receivers after this season, and we lost Bell over the off season because he was an idiot.  We need a few top WR recruits in this class, because we don’t have anyone that is waiting to step in and be a top Big 10 WR right away. 

I hope everyone else is getting as excited as I am.

Bowling update…

I suck… end of update…

On to my next dream I guess… I wonder if that 3 titted chick from Total Recall is still alive??

I haven’t had much to say lately…

So I have spared the 6 of you that read this blog from my mediocrity.  It’s kind of a down time for football, although Penn State did pick up a couple more recruits this week, we are in between rugby seasons, and I have been getting too drunk to remember any good stories to write about the night before.  The only upside of this time of year is that it is summer bowling league time, and lately I have been looking like a young Dick Weber, with series of 715 two weeks ago and 728 last week.  My average is currently somewhere around a 217.  I usually prefer self depreciating humor and make light of whatever small accomplishments that I actually do achieve, but I am actually pretty proud of my bowling performance this season.  I started bowling when I was 8 years old, and the last two weeks I broke my personal best series.  I give alcohol most of the credit, I don’t know if I could have done it without you, Talent Juice. 

Just messing around I looked up qualifying requirements for the PBA, and if I can get my average over 220 by the end of the season, I would actually meet the requirements to qualify.  I could never tour or even be competitive in the PBA, (I don’t think I can be consistent enough and I know I don’t have the stamina to bowl 12-18 games a day like the pros do), but I think it would be fun to bowl in a regional qualifier someday.  

As a kid I used to go to the PBA tournament that would come through Erie once a year, The Flagship City Open, and even bowl (and win one year) in the pro-am.  Me and my neighbor Chris would go and watch the qualifying rounds during the day and beg the pros for their old used bowling balls like a couple of little homeless kids begging for booze money.  One of my favorite moments was when we were watching Pete Weber bowl in a qualifying round, and he rolled something like a 150, which is terrible for a professional bowler.  As the tiny PDW stormed off past us after his game, either me or my friend, I don’t really remember which anymore, says, “Good game, Pete”.  If he wasn’t so damn small, I would have been terrified, as he got madder than hell. 

  PDW tells the pins to “Suck it”

Anyways, I just wanted to post something since its been a while.  More interesting stuff to follow, hopefully.

I watched this video…

and simultaniously got aroused and teary-eyed… there is something about Penn State Football that gets me beyond fired up. It’s a feeling that I can’t even describe, but anyone that has been to Beaver Stadium for a big game knows exactly what I am talking about… Enjoy this video made by a fellow Penn State Fan…