1. BALLY’S TOTAL BULLSHIT FITNESS

Fuck this company.  I signed up (foolishly) over 4 years ago for a 3 year contract to attend their bullshit fitness facility.  I went for about 2 years, and then my office moved and I moved, and it was no longer convenient for me to go to Bally’s anymore.  So I called about trying to cancel my membership.  After 634 phone calls, I finally got someone on the phone.  The first 633 phone calls were answered by a recorded message saying something to the effect of “We’re sorry, but our company is a scam, so therefore we only have 4 under-aged customer service workers in New Delhi.  You are currently the 316,852nd customer in line, so we aren’t even going to give you the option of waiting to speak with someone.  Try back when your contract is up!”  This person told me that if i wanted to cancel my contract, i had to submit a hand written letter to Bally’s Corporate.  I did this.  2 months later, they sent me a letter back saying that they could not cancel my membership early, because there was a Bally’s within 20 miles of where i moved.  20 miles!  Do you know how long it takes to travel 20 miles in the Philadelphia area?   I would need to take the afternoon off of work in order to get to the gym before it closed. 

So whatever, I had a year left that i was going to pay $40/month for.  3 years and 3 months after I originally signed up, I spotted a $40 charge on my card from Ballys, and I looked back at my previous two statements and there were $40 charges on those as well.  They kept my membership going after my 3 year contract had expired, and were charging me for it, even though i sent them a hand written letter like they had asked me to do to cancel it.  So I call customer service again, and again I spend several days trying to reach a human being on the phone, and as soon as I do, i demand to speak to a supervisor.  At this point, a snot-nosed high school drop out named ‘Barry’ gets on the phone, and continues to tell me over and over again that there is nothing they can do other than cancel my contract from that day on, and that they could not give me a refund.  Finally I give up arguing, call him a scheister , and hang up the phone.  At least i know i will never have to deal with these fuck heads again, right? 

Today, and this is about 5 or 6 months later, my old roommate stops over to my place to visit, and drops off some old mail that i have accumulated over there.  In that stack of mail, there was a letter from FUCKING BALLY’S TELLING ME THAT I OWE THEM $15 PER MONTH FOR THE PAST 4 MONTHS, AND MY NEW BALANCE IS $60, AND THAT I SHOULD PAY THEM BEFORE THEY SEND ME TO COLLECTIONS!!!  I could barely contain my rage as i started yelling at the letter.  Apparently that douche bag Barry only cancelled my auto bill pay, and didn’t cancel my membership as i had tried to do twice now, and my new membership fee is $15 per month.  I immediately call Ballys, face red with anger.  After smashing zero a bunch of times, unwilling to listen to the auto options, I find that they, of course, aren’t open on weekends and can only be reached during business hours. 

FUCK BALLYS

2. THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY

This is the biggest piece of shit restaurant that I could ever imagine.  I would rather walk in, give the hostess my name and $100, have her punch me in the face, then walk out and go home bloodied and bruised, then ever go back to this shitty eatery again. 

First of all, they should have a trap door in front of the hostess stand at the Cheesecake Factory. Any idiot that listens to their stripper turned restarant worker hostess tell them that there is a 2 hour wait to eat AT THE FUCKING CHEESECAKE FACTORY and DOESN’T tell them they are fucking crazy and walk out, should be pushed into the witch-pit and forced to fight their way out like Ash in Army of Darkness.

My girlfriend still wanted to stay and wait, so, because this was my first time at the Cheesecake Factory,  and because she drove, we decided to wait it out.  We went to the overcrowded bar and I paid $20 for two drinks.  This turns out to be the best part of the evening.  After a few drinks, our buzzer finally went off, (we had to wait 45 minutes until we could even get a fucking buzzer so that we could officially be waiting) and the hostess grabbed two menus and said, ‘right this way’.  I then asked her is she was leading us to the room where they give out the free european style handjobs to the people who waited over two hours for a table.  She nervously chuckled, in a ‘brushing off sexual harrasment’ kind of way.  My girlfriend was not amused. 

She starts leading us to our table, and the sights and sounds begin to look familiar to me.  She lead us right back to the fucking bar, and sat us 8 inches from a flamboyant gay couple and their two yappy lady friends who were just elated, I’m sure, to be able to sit and enjoy an overpriced meal and  discuss purses and shoes with a couple of guys who very obviously weren’t trying to fuck them for once.  And 8 inches to our other side, was another two couples, but they were overpowered by the homosexuals in conversation and I barely noticed them at all, until the one guy said to me, ‘Excuse me, but that was the coolest fucking thing i have ever seen’ when i took my double cheeseburger that I ordered and smashed it down with the palm of my hand very impolitely. 

Anyways, we ordered a couple of appetizers, just a few feet from where we had waited 2 hours for our ‘table’ to begin with.  They came, and weren’t too bad.  Then when we were half way done with our appetizers, the kitchen bitch, or whatever the name of the person who runs the food from the kitchen to the table is, tried to bring us our meals, when there very obviously wasnt any room for them at our postage stamp sized table.  We finished our appetizers, and the brought our food back, and at first it wasnt terrible.  I got a double bacon cheeseburger, and it was decent, but it was just a cheeseburger, nothing special.  We get a slice of cheesecake to go for later, pay our bill, and finally we are out of that idiot trap. 

I thought it was over.  I thought there was no way that The Cheesecake Factory could fuck me ever again.  I was wrong.  About 5am I woke up and I felt like there was some sort of vomit house party going on in my stomach, and everyone was about to get thrown out.  I run to the bathroom and stare at the toilet for a good 45 minutes before deciding to just camp out there on the bathroom floor for the night.  I woke up an hour or two later, and was brave enough to sit on the couch, but not to lay down.  I slept another hour or so sitting upright on the couch, but then spent the rest of the morning shitting my brains out. 

FUCK YOU, CHEESECAKE FACTORY

3. Whatever the company is that makes circus peanuts… FUCK YOU

That’s it for now… I have more, but I will revisit them at a later time… good to be back!

There were things about this game that made me sick to my stomach ( defensive coaching, defensive playmaking, offensive 3rd down playcalling and execution, my switch from beer to whiskey after that kick in the pills that was the second quarter), but there were also a few things that i was happy to see and am very proud of.  First of all, it would have been easy and almost understandable for Penn State to roll over and play dead following the curb stomping that they received in the second quarter.  They did no such thing.  They came out in the second half and played with heart and pride.  It wasn’t enough to get the victory in the record books, but it showed a lot about the character of this entire team.  Hopefully the rest of the fans and potential recruits could see this like I did.  Speaking of the fans, this was the second thing that I saw positive come out of this game.  The fans that represented us at the Rose Bowl were AWESOME.  They were outnumbered (Pasadena is 2573 miles from State College and 9 miles from Los Angeles) but that didn’t stop them from out-cheering the USC fans.  Just like it would have been easy for the team to give up at halftime, it would have been even easier for the fans to give up on them as well.  They did no such thing.  The Penn State fans stayed until the very end, cheering their team on with pride.  There are no better fans in the world than Penn State football fans. 

So where do we go from here?  We lose several offensive lineman, our entire secondary, and our top 3 receivers that helped turn this program around 4 years ago.  Luckily for us, Joe Paterno’s ‘team first’ philosophy that he has instilled in all of the young men on the team will allow for an easier transition into new roles for the players that have these large shoes to fill.  We never rely too heavily on one or two players.  And while I and the rest of the Penn State world will miss the seniors dearly, life goes on, and so will Penn State football. 

And so begins the ‘off season’ for me, so expect little Penn State football updates here and there, and also some more non-Penn State related material.

WE ARE…

Lets hope that we see Joe Pa back pacing the sidelines next year

Todays game is huge. Nearly every single article written about the Rose Bowl has focused on the USC defense, and how they may be the best defensive squad since JoePa was playing Ivy League football at Brown. Penn State needs to come out and make a statement against USC. They need to get the big feces throwing monkey named Big 10 off their backs. They need to come out and show the country that despite the Big 10 having an off couple of years, that Penn State is the real deal.

These two teams are led by 2 Hall of Fame coaches in Joe Paterno and Pete Caroll, but their coaching styles couldn’t be more different. Joe Pa is an old school dictator of football knowledge and a disciplinarian. He is traditionally media shy and keeps his team out of the lime light whenever possible. Pete Caroll, on the other hand, has Snoop Dogg recruiting players for him and invites Will Farrell to come to practice and tell dick and fart jokes.

Old School learns the New School today. Take notes.

Penn State 17

USC 14

Michigan State comes into State College for the final game of the year for both teams.  The Land Grant trophy is on the line (who cares), but more importantly, this game will decide the winner of the Big 10.  With Ohio State presumably ready to absolutely curb stomp Michigan, this game will decide who gets to ‘share’ the Big 10 title this year.  Bullshit that we would have to share if we win tomorrow, considering we beat the Buckeyes in the Horseshoe this year, but at least we would get the Rose bowl birth.  Perhaps more important than any of the previously stated events, is the very real possibility that this is Joe Paterno’s last game at Beaver Stadium.  The rumors are flying.  This morning I got an email from a co-worker that works in Mississippi but is a huge Penn State fan.  His cousin’s fiance owns a bar at Penn State, and he got a call from him last night saying that he had been hanging out with Kijana Carter all week, and that KiJana told him that the Blue Band had been pulled from the halftime show, and that Joe was going to announce his retirement at halftime.  He said that a TON of former players, family, and friends had bought up a bunch of tickets on the 50 yrd line.  This is all hearsay, and it sure doesn’t sound like Joe Pa’s style to create a distraction like that, but I guess it could happen, and I just can’t shake the feeling that, no matter how much i don’t want it to be, this is Joes last game at Beaver Stadium.  I sincerely hope that all of the rumors are false, and that Joe goes on to coach until he is 120 years old, and after he dies, they take his head and put it into a jar, and let Joe Pa’s head coach for the rest of eternity, much like President Nixon’s head rules the country in Futurama. 

Run the ball up the middle... forever!!!!

I don’t have a terrific feeling about this game.  Michigan State reminds of Iowa, only more talented.  They have a great running back, a pretty good defense, and a lack luster passing game.  The weather will be cold and probably shitty tomorrow, much like the Iowa game was.  The only difference is that this game is being played at home, and I think that will be the deciding factor.  Penn State’s offense hasn’t been the same lately, they seem to be playing too tight, all clenched up like a bitter beer face.  They need to take a deep breath, and let the talent of these offensive players put points on the board.  They are being stifled by play calling that isn’t playing to their strengths.  Let Clark, Royster, and Green run the ball.  Get the ball into the hands of Williams, Butler, and Norwood.  Take a shot or two down field.  Have some damn fun out there!!

Penn State's offense needs to switch to Keystone Light!

Defensively, they need to quit playing scared with a lead.  They need to come after it all game long.  We get ourselves into a shitload of trouble when we play not to lose.  Penn State fans start to get that nauseous feeling in their stomachs when Penn State is up by 6 points with 2 minutes left and our defense goes into this pathetic ‘soft zone’, and allow the opposing team to march down the field 10-12 yards at a time.  Ugh.  I understand that you don’t want to give up the big play, but stick with what worked all damn game. 

I am sad to see the season coming to an end, but it has been an amazing year.  We are only 2 points short of an undefeated season so far, and that is something to be proud of.  Sure we all would have loved to see our beloved Lions playing for the National Championship, but playing for its first Rose Bowl since 1994 isn’t too shabby either.

Penn State           24

Michigan State    21

WE ARE….

I was much more excited about this game a week ago.  That being said, there is still a lot to play for, and Indiana, I hope, will be a confidence booster for the Nittany Lions for their final game against Michigan State.  Penn State needs to take this game seriously, but I have a feeling that they have learned their lesson on ‘looking past’ teams. 

Indiana is outmatched in nearly every single statistical category, and lets face it, Penn State is a MUCH better team than Indiana.  I am not going to get into deep analysis of this game, but I will give my prediction, and I hope I am closer this week than last. 

Penn State   51

Indiana        14

WE ARE…

THE LITTLE THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY:

1. When you go to drop a deuce at work, and you walk in your favorite stall to find the toilet seat up and the blue stuff still in the toilet.  This means that you are the first to use that stall that particular morning, and that you can forgo the usually mandatory ‘toilet paper nest’ and go straight ass to plastic. 
2. When you wake up in the morning, half asleep, and you are sure it is time to get up for work, but when you look at the clock, it reads that there is still another of hour of sleep to be had before the alarm goes off. 
3. When you go out to eat with someone skinny, and they order something off the menu that you know they won’t be able to finish, and that you will reap all the benefits. 
4. Whenever Notre Dame, Michigan, Florida State, or Ohio State lose a football game.*
5. Taking off of work and watching the first 2 days of March Madness.
6. Boobs
7. Seeing Asians either on TV or in public when I am out with my Chinese, Korean, or Japanese roommate, and saying, “Look!  Another Asian”.  Needless to say I giggled like a school girl throughout the entire Beijing Olympics. 
8. The Golden Girls.  Rue McClanahan (Blanche) once came up and spoke to me at the Bollagio in Las Vegas.  Pointless, but true. 
9. Running late for work, but somehow catching all the green lights to make it on time. 
10. When the girl that works at the Baja Fresh that I frequent asks me if I want some ‘cheeps’ instead of ‘chips’. 

*Charlie Wies getting his leg jacked up on the sidelines counts under this category. 

that's what I am talking about

WHAT WENT WRONG

Where do I start here.  I am not going to get too deep into this, because, frankly, every time I bring it up I feel like Roy Munson must have felt.  Holed up in his piece of shit apartment hugging the toilet bowl with his decrepit landlord lying half naked in his bed, reminding him that he still owes another months rent, and that ‘he really jarred something loose there, tiger’.  I feel like vomiting uncontrollably.

And much like when Joey dumped you, when your dad died in a car crash because he was eating ice cream at the wheel, and when Pacey invested all of your savings into a company that failed and lost it all, all i want to do is cry like a little bitch, just like you.

Negative and grumpy game review to come later…