Fat guys can’t jump

I met up with some friends to play basketball today.  Things did not go well. 

For a big guy, (for those of you who don’t know me, I am about 6’2, 265 lbs) I consider myself to be pretty athletic.  I grew up playing soccer, football, tennis, and more recently rugby.  Note that basketball was not listed.  I always did pretty well at these sports, all things considered.  The same can not be said for basketball.  Today i went out and played with a bunch of guys that are not good players, but are not terrible.  I, on the other hand, am an atrocious basketball player.  I am so awkward on the basketball court.  Here is a rundown of how a typical offensive play develops with me on your team.

1. I run down the court, usually faking an injury or stopping to tie my shoe to catch my breath.  My team passes the ball around a few times.

2. I finally arrive in our half of the court. 

3. I leisurely walk into paint.  Well aware that there is no referee to call me for the 3 second rule, I stay there until someone passes me the ball. (side note:  do not confuse the 3 second rule with the 3 pump rule, a rule that college girls make up to feel better about themselves.  It states that if you have sexual intercourse with someone, and for whatever reason there are less than 3 pumps involved in that particular session, that it does not count as having sex, and therefore does not count towards the ongoing ‘how many dudes have i boned’ tally.  So whenever your girlfriend tells you, “oh, I’ve only slept with 7 guys in my entire life”, that should be interpretted as, “Well, I’ve had sex with 26 guys, but 5 of them were really bad, and the other 14 I stopped after 2 and a half pumps, lied to them and told them that they were too big and they were hurting me, finished them off with a useless handjob, and then dropped them back off at their car at whatever bar/club/racetrack that I picked them up from” ) But I digress…

4. I get the ball, and immediately freeze.  Do i dribble it? Should I shoot it?  Should i dribble it and then shoot it?  By this time, there are 5 dudes from the other team surrounding me like I just pulled the last bag of rice off of the federal aid truck in Cambodia. 

5. I finally decide to shoot.  And by shoot I mean do some akward half layup, half lazy jumper type thingy.

6. The ball either bounces off the bottom of the rim into the opposing teams hands, or I miss the backboard completely, which is pretty hard to do when you are standing 3 feet from the hoop.  Either way the result is the same.  The other team gets the ball and my team shakes their heads, regretting ever passing me the ball in the first place, or picking me to play for that matter. 

Luckily for me, bowling season starts in a couple of weeks.  Finally, something that I can excel at.  Throw a ball down an alley, and try to knock all the pins down at once, but if you don’t, that’s ok!  You get another shot at it!  And to top it all off, you get to drink throughout the entire event!!  Now THAT is a sport!!

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2 Responses to “Fat guys can’t jump”

  1. i don’t play basketball because there is a chance somebody will touch my hair….and more will fall out.

    it takes alot of dedication to look this pretty.

  2. Wow Zac you have about the same skills I do – although when I play basketball I usually sprain my ankle – so therefore I dont play basketball

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